whatever.

I wrote this sentiment when I was feeling so down, depressed, and rejected. I couldn’t bear talking to any of my friends because they were part of this emotion. They were part of my frustrations. But then I realized, they are not what I thought they were. Though some were not real (for God’s sake), others remained as strong, as true, as supportive as they were. Others stayed; others left.

26.02.08

Why do people always leave? Why don’t they love me back? These falling tears are part of my frustrations, part of the self that I never wanted to meet, part of the self that I wanted to refuse and I wanted to die.

I am dead today – dead from all the emotions that I should feel, expect for extreme feeling of emptiness and loneliness inside me. I am a nobody in everybody’s eyes. I am someone whom they want when they just need something from me.

I am always loving in silence.

I am always loving to be hurt.

I am born to be hurt and be frustrated all the time.

I am not born to win true friends.

I am not born to gain honor.

I am born to be humiliated by other people in front of others. I am no one in this world. No one.

Why is it whenever I love someone, that someone love other someone and will eventually ignore me?

Why is loving not a word to suit my life?

Why is loving always giving chances to others who love whom you love? Why? Why not me?

Great self-realization (NOW) happened after rereading this. I am the one who was rejecting myself. I am the one who was frustrating myself. I just felt anxious that time. I felt that I have no world, my own world. These people never walked away from me; they did not leave me. I was the one who moved away from them. I was the one who created my own ghost. I was my own villain.

I am not psychotic or a psychopath or lunatic. It’s just that I am facing myself in a different manner, a manner which I can’t even handle correctly. I am moving myself in a behavior that I can’t grip.

People whom I thought were part of my pseudo-frustrations before, deserve an apology from me. I’m so sorry. I never thought I would blame you for my (I assumed I have) ill-fated life. You are not part of my disappointments. You are not my frustration per se. You made me stronger. You are part of what and who I am now.

I need to move on with what I really am, with who I really am. I need to face me. I need to face “I”. I am not doomed. Life doesn’t fuck me at all. I guess, I just have to start all over again and face all life’s challenges in the right way for the right reasons.

=Hindi lahat ng bagay kailangang pagbigyan ng daan upang dumaloy ang luha. Minsan, kailangang buksan ang mga mata sa pagbuhos ng mga naipong luha sa paghanap ng mga kasagutan sa hindi mo maipaliwanag na mga katanungan.

I can’t remember when exactly I wrote this. All I can remember is that I was bitter with someone and with life itself.

Wait, why was I so bitter before? Shit. Realize… Realizing… Realized. I got it. I knew it. I can laugh it off now.